- Strong evidence · 2 min read
Defensiveness
Protecting yourself by deflecting responsibility.
Reviewed
On this page
Key takeaways
- Defensiveness protects yourself by deflecting responsibility or counter-blaming.
- It is a normal reaction to feeling attacked, but it tells your partner their concern was not heard.
- Accepting a small share of responsibility de-escalates the conflict.
What does defensiveness look like?
- 'It is not my fault, you are the one who...'
- Answering a complaint with a counter-complaint.
Why it hurts
Defensiveness is a reasonable reaction to feeling attacked, but it tells the partner their concern was not heard, which escalates the conflict.
Try this
The antidote
Accept a small share of responsibility, even if only part of the complaint is fair.
Repair scripts
- 'You are right that I forgot. I will set a reminder.'
- 'I can see my part in this. Can we talk about what each of us can do?'
Questions people ask
- Why do I get defensive?
- Defensiveness is a common reaction to feeling criticised or blamed. It is an attempt to protect yourself, not proof of bad faith.
- How do I stop being defensive?
- Pause, find the part of the complaint that is fair, and say so: 'You are right that I forgot. I will set a reminder.'
- What if my partner's complaint is unfair?
- You can still acknowledge your share and state your view calmly. The aim is to show you heard them before you respond.
Further reading
Which pattern shows up when you argue?
Take the short couples conflict test to see your own pattern and the repair that suits it.
Take the couples conflict test