Conflict patterns in couples

Research on couples shows that how you argue matters more than how often. These four patterns predict trouble, and each has an antidote.

Choleric: during a disagreement at home, a partner takes charge with a plan on a whiteboard while the other looks overwhelmed at the table

What does the research say about conflict patterns?

John Gottman and Robert Levenson watched couples discuss a disagreement and followed them over the years after. In their 1992 study, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling during conflict predicted later relationship decline.

Gottman later paired each pattern with an antidote: a gentle start-up, a habit of appreciation, taking some responsibility, and a planned break to calm down. Most couples show these patterns sometimes. What matters is how often they appear and how quickly you repair.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.

Conflict patterns